I'm a a WHAT!
by avigor
Summary: Rabid plot bunny where Harry discovers a connection to the Whoverse.


A/N: First, for this plot bunny to truly work, one must allow the Elder Wand to be mildly reworked (very thick, and makes an odd buzzing noise when used), and insert the following scene into one of the private chats between Harry and Sirius in the summer before fifth year -

With a weary sigh, Sirius leaned against the wall.

"I know I don't talk about them much, but those dementors are real bastards."

"So what else is new?" Harry snarked.

"Oi! Save that for Malfoy!" Sirius replied with a grin.

"Ah, but you're such good practice," Harry grinned back.

Wagging a finger at his godson, Sirius chuckled.

"Well maybe I won't share then."

Harry frowned briefly, then clasped his hands and gave his godfather a falsely innocent puppy dog look.

"Ha ha. Fine, the tidbit that's nagging me at the moment is that I think I might have experienced a new symptom of dementation, probably a side effect of my resistance to them."

Visibly upset, Harry gasped, "what's wrong?"

"They altered some memories they couldn't steal, in surprisingly subtle ways. For example, my memories of you as a baby feature dark eyes and red hair, not the black hair with green eyes I know you must have had, unless you're secretly a metamorphmagus and holding out on me."

"Nah, that's all Tonks. Geez, I knew you were old, but I never suspected you were an Alzheimer's patient!" Harry grinned mischievously.

Grinning back and adopting an exaggerated 'old man voice,' Sirius sniped back with, "You snot nosed brat, get off my lawn and turn down your darn music!"

They both shared a hearty laugh before heading down to lunch.

A/N: And on with the main event! _Italics means direct book quote._

 _Voldemort had raised his wand. His head was still tilted to one side, like a curious child, wondering what would happen if he proceeded. Harry looked back into the red eyes, and wanted it to happen now, quickly, while he could still stand, before he lost control, before he betrayed fear -_

 _He saw the mouth move and a flash of green light, and everything_ exploded.

He felt as if his entire essence was consumed by fire; indeed, it was as if the flames somehow knew his needs: they leapt forth, burning the snake first before rushing like a wave over the Death Eaters and their master, consuming all within the clearing.

Harry gasped as he awoke.

Everything felt different, but he couldn't put a finger on why.

"I… I'm alive?" Harry wondered aloud, as he stared at the stars above.

Slowly, he forced himself to sit up, and choked in shock.

The clearing was a ruined, burnt cinder. Riddle's followers looked even worse than the remains of the victims of Pompeii he once saw on the telly. There was nothing left of either Riddle or Nagini at all.

Stumbling, he made his way to where Riddle had previously stood.

"Is it… Over? But how? Why? What?"

Harry caught a glimpse of metal, and crouched down to investigate. He found what looked like the charred remains of the Elder Wand, crumbling around a mysterious bit of metal.

"Curiouser and curiouser, since when were any wand cores made of metal?" He mused to himself as he picked it up and pocketed it.

After looking around and finding no survivors, Harry decided to make his way back to Hogwarts. Suffice to say, he was both surprised and pleased when, as he walked from the fringes of the trees onto the grass, he heard…

"Hands where I can see them! Who are you, where did you come from?" Ron was holding Harry at wand point.

"Ron! So glad to see you, mate! Where are Hermione and Ginny? Have the other Death Eaters backed off yet?"

With a suspicious glare, Ron tightened his grip on his wand while responding, "what are you talking about? Who are you?"

"What? Don't you recognize me?" Harry said with a frown.

"No, who are you?"

Troubled, Harry reached up to touch his scar, and froze in shock when he felt nothing but smooth skin. More than a little freaked out, Harry grabbed a fringe of his hair and pulled it into view.

"Blonde? How am I…?" Harry gasped, seeing a red flash.

"...you're sure you don't recognize him?"

"Like I already said, I think he's a right nutter, acting like he knows me."

Harry blinked as he came to, with Ron and Hermione standing over him.

"Hermione! Thank Merlin, I think I'm losing my mind… Either that or someone slipped me some Polyjuice or something."

"Good, you're awake. Now, let's start with your name," Ron said with his wand held in a looser but still ready position.

"It's me, Harry!"

Ron looked confused, but Hermione looked thoughtful.

"If you're Harry, you would know what I said to you two after we first saw Fluffy."

"You said, 'now if you two don't mind, I'm going to bed, before either of you come with another clever idea to get us killed, or worse, expelled.' That enough to believe me?"

She was still frowning as she replied, "yes, but there's still the problem of this, whatever it is. I'm not why, but something doesn't feel right… Plus, there was that strange burst of light in the forest, which makes this whole thing even more worrisome."

Harry's head snapped up as he stood up, "wait, you saw that? I thought I imagined it… I was hit by Riddle's killing curse and passed out, there was nothing left of either Riddle or Nagini and the rest of the Death Nibblers looked like something from Pompeii. It was almost like the scarcrux went nuclear when it died or something."

"Really? Okay, that's new…" Hermione looked more than a little worried now.

"So what do we do now?" Ron asked, uncertain.

"I think I'll try a finite," Hermione said, "in case this is some kind of glamour. Finite Incantatem!"

"I think I want to get inside, sit down as I wait for this to wear off," Harry suggested when nothing happened.

"Alright, let's go."

"Is Ginny still in the Room?" Harry wondered as they entered to the Great Hall.

"Yeah," Ron replied.

"By the way, what's with you calling him Riddle? And what about those other new terms, scarcrux and Death Nibblers?" Hermione asked with a frown.

"Meh, horcrux in a scar, and why be respectful to terrorists? Anyway, can I see a mirror?" Harry asked.

Looking very uncertain, Hermione quickly conjured a small hand mirror and handed it over.

"Hmm, no clue who this is," Harry muttered upon seeing his reflection. Amber eyes, a sharp jaw line, and delicate eyebrows looked back at him.

They all sat down and started making small talk to pass the time. Eventually, Hermione drew her wand.

"Hermione, what's up?" Harry asked, clearly confused.

"It's been OVER an hour, 'Harry!' Who are you, really?"

"What? Of course it's me! I… Wait, over an hour?" Harry paled, "but how? Are there more potent forms of Polyjuice or something?"

"No, it's only ever one hour."

Harry's mind was racing. Somehow, the strangest things came together in his head, forming an impossible picture.

"Bigger on the inside, change your face, time travel and prophecy, Sirius remembered me with red hair…" Harry mumbled, looking a little freaked, and Hermione's eyes widened as she heard this.

Harry saw Draco Malfoy under guard in a far corner, got up, and ran over.

"Malfoy! You know the pureblood legends, right?" Harry called out. He didn't notice that several people had turned their attention towards him, especially as Ron and Hermione were right behind him with their wands drawn.

"Yes, why? And who are you?" Malfoy asked.

Harry just shook his head before saying, "does the name, Gallifrey-"

With a cry, Malfoy interrupted, "Who are you? How dare you speak the sacred name aloud?!"

The entirety of the Great Hall went deathly silent for a moment, before several people whispered to those who hadn't been paying attention. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry noticed Ginny had apparently wandered in, and had joined the crowd of confused purebloods. Turning his head revealed incredulous muggleborns all around, none more gobsmacked than Hermione Granger herself.

"This can't be real. Gallifrey-" Hermione started to say before Malfoy interrupted again.

"Don't you dare defile the sacred name, mudblood!"

"Shut up, your 'sacred name' is already known to Muggles as part of a TV show, a fictional story…" Hermione said quietly.

"What? How can that be…?" Malfoy seemed to break the world record for going from red with anger to pale and faint before their very eyes.

"If this is true, could I be a Time Lord? On my second regeneration? The third Harry? Am I the only one who wants to lynch whoever came up with this joke?" Harry muttered, idly pulling out the Elder Wand. "I wonder…"

Drawing Malfoy's wand and ignoring his indignant gasp, Harry cast a Scourgify on the charred remains. Sure enough, the core wasn't hard to recognize.

"The sonic bloody screwdriver? Of course it is..." Harry mumbled under his breath. Finding a switch, he turned it on.

"Harry!" Hermione shouted in warning, but it was too late. The room filled with a sonic tone; a moment later, every muggleborn recognized the distinctive, pulsing, grinding, sound.

Harry bit the inside of his cheek, hard. He couldn't start laughing now, he wouldn't be able to stop.

The flashing light was visible first, but the rest of the big blue box became visible pretty quickly.

"So, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, who fancies a trip through all of Time and Space?" Harry said cheerily, obviously on the brink of a manic meltdown as he felt a key materialize in his hand.

"I'm with you," Ginny said, hurrying over as Harry unlocked the door.

"Count us in," Hermione said as she took Ron's hand. Her face was a priceless blend of annoyed and incredulous, while Ron just shrugged, going with it.

"Come on then!" Harry said, leading them forth and into the TARDIS...

A/N: Thus ends that rabid plot bunny! Stupid I know!


End file.
